Sex And The Sickie

"What A Slag". Er, Pot, Kettle....

2009-09-24T20:28:00.000+01:00

So after a bit of a baron spell between the sheets, I managed to get my freak on again last night. Phew. I was starting to think my charm was eroding and I'd have to get myself a dog....or just start paying for it.

Before I go into how I managed to schmooze this poor girl into bed, I want to bring up a point that really irritates me in the online dating world. This is a conversation I had earlier this week with a girl that winked at me i.e she made first contact.

Me: Thanks for the wink. How was your weekend?

Her: Hi. Had a great weekend. Was out with work friends on friday night, then down by the river for lunch with some girlfriends on saturday. Sunday I did the family thing and saw my parents and brother. What about you?

Me: I was out and about locally with a friends. Nothing too hectic. Few beers and watching a bit of sport. Have you got much planned this week?

Her: Taking clients out for lunch on tuesday evening and I've got my body combat class on thursday. Then the weekend comes around again!

Me: Cool. We should try and catch up for a drink sometime soon

Her: We've only just started talking. I don't know anything about you!!! You're very direct aren't you?

Does she want me to foward a dossier from the embassy about my every move since birth? Surely the whole point of meeting up is to get to know someone. My understanding is, you look at someone's profile pictures, if you like what you see, you then go into their profile and have a read, after which you make contact. Or for most guys, you look at the profile pictures, make contact if she looks hot, then read up on what she's all about once she agrees to a date. How many emails is this girl expecting before we actually meet? I've got better things to do than have hours of general chit chat with a complete stranger. Anyway, back to me getting laid last night.....

I was fairly excited about the date as from her profile pictures, she was very much my type. Dark haired, petite, pretty face and 9 years younger than me. Thats how I roll. We met at Waterloo - I try and justify to myself that I'm making a big effort if I meet girls that live the other side of London there as it sounds fairly central - but in reality its a 5 minute train journey for me from Clapham Junction, so really I'm just being a lazy twat.

On first impressions, I was more than happy. She was the girl I'd been most attracted to at first glance since I started online dating, so as we headed to the bar , I was a content man.

As we settled into the evening, the conversation was flowing, but even after a few drinks I could sense that she draws out her stories a bit too much and the voice was pretty monotone. Now, as I've said before, after a few drinks my accent is bordering on Danny Dyer's over the top cockney - its like I'm riddled with it - but at least there is some expression there.

She told one story about an online date that had travelled down to London from Birmingham a few weeks back. It was a daytime meet and he took her for a stroll down the Embankment, which could be quite a winner. Unfortunately for her, all he spoke about as they took a gentle walk by the river was if she owned crutchless knickers and was into using sex toys. She thought it was disgusting, I had quiet admiration for his upfront nature. Anyway, She managed to make her excuses and leave, but this reiterates my point of not travelling too far on a first date.

Although I was zoning out a fair bit during the stories of when her grandad died and how she has just been made redundant, I was also very attracted to her. I thought I'd subtly step up the flirting levels just to see what sort of response I'd get, so we started talking about previous flings we'd had with online dates. She told me her tally was shagging one guy who she saw for a few months, so now that was the benchmark I toned mine down a bit. I let her know that I had previously slept with one online date and she asked two questions - what did she do (workwise)? and did you sleep with her on the first night?. I replied air stewardess and yes. Her retort - " What a slag" -....how she'll be regretting that line today....

As she had recently been made redundant, I knew she didn't have to get up for work in the morning. Although this obviously wasn't ideal for her, I saw it as a good angle to get her back to mine. I rolled out all the cliches of good things happen to good people, fate will take its course, the only way is up...blah blah. She was responding favourably and when I suggested going for a few more drinks in the Clapham area, she agreed. He he.....

So from here on in it was plain sailing. A couple more drinks at my trusty local tapas bar and then back to mine. With Justin Timberlake on in the background, we got down to business. She had a great little body and lets just say, she wasn't shy, so a fun evening was had by all...I think.

Luckily, she had some agency interviews to be getting to this afternoon, so left mid morning. We have arranged to meet again this weekend. I'm very attracted to her, so I'm hoping I'm just being overly critical of her monotone voice and really she's a bundle of laughs.....I can't see it

Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is The Same...

2009-09-12T20:27:00.000+01:00

After yet another date last night, I'm starting to question what it is I'm actually after. At 33 years old you'd think I'd have a fair idea by now, but I'm clueless...

I met my date, a 31 year old journalist, at a bar local to me. I'm certainly one of the laziest online daters out there as around 90% of my dates have been within a half mile radius of my flat. I should start to branch out a little bit, but I just don't understand people that travel miles for what is essentially a blind date. One girl told me that a guy flew in from New York to meet her - what a loser. There's almost 20 million people living in the Big Apple, so how dull must this guy be having to fly 3,500 miles across the pond to find love? She called it romantic, I'd call it bordering on insanity. She said they had a kiss but nothing more - If I'd spent £800 on a flight and 3 nights accommodation in a hotel, I'd have got it in writing before take off that I was at least getting some action. Anyway, each to their own....

So why I'm questioning my motives now is that last night I had a delightful evening with a charming, intelligent, attractive girl, but I came home half cut, checked my emails and within the blink of an eye had winked (for those not familiar with online dating, this is how you first make contact with someone if you can't be arsed to write a mail) at another 3 or 4 girls on a "suggested matches" mail that I get sent almost daily. Now I know the likelihood is that come next week I'll be on a date with one of these girls and then the cycle continues.

Before the days of online dating, a guy would have to take his pretadorty instincts into the bar or nightclub arena and try and work his magic there. If he struck lucky and got a phone number, a date could be arranged for the following week and that would be his one option until the next time he went out. Now, lying at home on the sofa hungover watching the football, a whole harem of girls can be courted with a bit of email banter and a string of dates set up even before half time, leaving you able to watch the second half happy in the knowledge that your week night activites have been arranged without even moving.

This, of course, is fantastic news, but with so many available options, I've lost focus of why I actually signed up. On one side of the coin I would love to meet someone I genuinely get on with and could see as a long term partner, but on the other, I get to fool around with a number of young ladies and as the saying goes, variety is the spice of life. I really do enjoy the thrill of a first date and knowing that I can have these on tap now, means my hunt for "the one" has cooled. So basically what I'm trying to say is, I haven't had sex for a month and I'm getting the right hump....

Romania, Nil Points...

2009-09-07T14:26:00.000+01:00

So on friday I had arranged to meet my Romanian date up in Covent Garden, which is the first time I have ventured that far out of Clapham on a first date. Proving the point that men are very basic creautres, the reason I was dusting my ostyer card off was simply because of her wonderful looking breasts. As I've said before, I don't generally date girls whose mother tongue isn't English as I find alot of the banter and flirtatious comments get lost in translation....or perhaps they just don't find me funny or attractive, which could very well be the case...

After a 5 minute wait outside the station, my date arrived. As she walked towards me it was quite clear that she was well aware of what a weapon her fantastic puppies were. She was wearing a very tight fitting, low cut top, that really did do them proud. Although I was obviously drawn towards these on first sight, I couldn't help but notice a wild mane of hair that wouldn't have looked out of place in an 80's soft rock music video. ...

We headed to a little gem of a place that I stumbled across in the backstreets of Covent Garden and settled down at the cocktail bar to begin the evening off. Her English was almost better than mine and she was well travelled, having lived in New York for the previous two years. I'm not really sure what I had expected - maybe some gypsy type woman that appears at the start of the Borat movie, but she was obviously a well educated, smart girl . She was in London studying for a masters, au pairing for a family and sending most of the money earned back to her mother. Quite a humbling thought....

After a couple of hours sipping on Mojito's we headed into the buzz of London and she indicated that she felt like a dance. She had already slipped her arm into mine as we walked, something I'm really not comfortable with after the first year, let alone the first date. I took her into a club that I know well, which is more of a meat market than a serious dance venue, but more than adequate for her to have a boogie in.

The drinks carried on flowing as we stood at the bar and she started to break out into a sexy little dance to a bit of cheesy music the DJ was playing. I was quite taken by her body and now we were a fair few alcohol units in, her hair was getting smaller. I was starting to think my rule of not dating foreign girls was a bit of a mockery and as I'm not getting any younger or prettier, maybe its time to tap into this market....

That thought changed very quickly. As I stood there by the bar , she danced over and put her arms over my shoulders and moved in for a kiss. I'm not great at PDA, but by this time I was hammered. As we locked lips, this horrendeous smell came wafting towards my nasal passage. It couldn't be? Having played alot of sport through the years, I've come across my fair share of body odour, but this was something to behold. I pulled away in horror, but she didnt seem to notice the shock on my face and just carried on dancing infront of me. I tried to convince myself that it couldnt be her, but the next time we got close, there was no doubting. It was so strong, I almost gagged. Can she not smell it? What the hell do I do now? As I ducked and swerved her every advance like championship boxer, I was trying to think of any excuse to leave now. Her hair was getting bigger again due to the sweat building up from her dancing, so it was like a stinking Michael Bolton trying to grapple with me.

I knew when I was taking in deep breath's before she got too close that enough was enough. I told her that I had some work to do in the morning, so we headed out into the fresh air and I put her in a taxi. Phew....

As I headed to my flat, I couldnt help thinking that maybe she should cut down on the money she sends back to Romania and invest in some basic products to tackle body odour. I get that I maybe sounding shallow here, but I did initially meet her just for the look of her titties.No wonder I'm still single.....

Stop Shouting At Me

2009-09-03T20:24:00.000+01:00

Fresh from a great holiday with some friends over in Europe, I leapt straight into my first date of September last night. Before I talk about it, I just want to share details of an article that I read in a national newspaper whilst on the plane out to our destination.

The story was about why English men are bad lovers and although I am not patriotic in the slightest , infact I'm saddened these days by the state of this country, one piece of the article riled me. A survey had been taken by men in a few European countries as to why they thought their English counterparts had been labelled as the continents worst in bed. Whilst most of the points were valid, the French men had commented that English men drink too much and are badly dressed......

Back up there Phillipe et Pierre. Badly dressed? Having worked in a French bank for almost 5 years, I can assure you that Paris cannot be the fashion capital of Europe. Unless boating shoes, ill fitting chinos and ridiculous neck ties have been the "in" thing for the last half a decade, season after season, then you are sadly misguided. On dress down friday, I haven't seen so many badly dressed men in one place since I went to an Austin Powers themed fancy dress party over 10 years ago. As for us drinking too much, fair point.....

So last night I met up with a 26 year old teacher, who randomly teaches at my old school. Weird, but slightly turned me on to be honest. She wasn't drinking as she drives to work and never goes in with a hangover which is admirable stuff, so I thought I'd join her and ordered us two glasses of pop. Rock and roll. She was an extremely chatty girl and conversation came easily. She's from chinese origin and speaks with a real London accent which initially amused me, but then I realised that her loud,excitable voice was for real and wasn't just a nervous 5 minutes to begin with....

A pet hate of mine is when people listen in on your conversation whilst sitting in a bar or restaurant, but to be fair, you could have been in any establishment around the Clapham area last night and you would have heard what she had to say. After about an hour of a constant barrage of noise, I asked her if anyone had commented on her voice before. She replied "Yeah, friends take the piss that I'm really loud and talk alot". They're not taking the piss sweetheart. Its a subtle way of telling you to tone it down. Anyway, after two glasses of pop each, I walked her back to her car and we said our farewells. It was a short date and I'm pretty sure the hearing in my left ear hasnt quite come back, but I think we'll probably see each other again.

Tomorrow I have arranged a date up town with a Romanian girl. I'm not going to lie, its purely on the basis that in her profile pictures she seems to have a cracking pair of funbags and a cute little tush. I'm hoping that she has a bit more about her than just those assets, but if not, they're a great distraction....

Remember girls....."A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one"......I'm just doing my job.

The Dilema...

2009-08-25T20:02:00.001+01:00

So after last weeks disaster of a date, I got back on track this weekend with the 23 year old. As I've said before, we weren't brought together to solve any world issues, but we certainly have a good time when we're out. There is a big dilema though...

Couple my fear of committment and her over protective parents, there can only be trouble ahead. After saturday's date, I wanted to ask her back to mine, but ended up sending her off at the train station with a teenage like snog. I'm 33 so shouldn't be displaying this type of behaviour, but I'm quite frankly scared of what may happen if we end up sleeping together.

I have visions of bedding their little princess and the Maltese dad warning me that if I do anything to upset his little girl, I'll be sleeping with the fishes before long. Going on past performances with the other sex, there is a high chance somewhere along the line I will be doing wrong by his angel, sooner rather than later. I have to weigh up the pros and cons. On one hand I get to bed and potentially date a cute younger girl, but on the other hand, if I fuck up which is highly likely, I may not get to see in my 34th year. It is a tough one.....

Anyway, I'm off on holiday for the long weekend with friends from tomorrow, so will have time to reflect and no doubt get some great advice from the boys.

My first 3 months of internet dating have been a real eye opener. From a girl fainting on me in a bar to a doctor turning up looking like a street walker, its been a real mixed bag. I have noticed how a woman's clock starts ticking from their early thirties and how this can turn some into a bit of a fruit loop - Settle down, as a desperate lady is not an attractive one. All bar a couple have dates been really decent , so a big pat on the back to the girls from London and the surrounding areas.....

As for the guys, if you have any sort of charm and wit, you ll do just fine. Having spoken about previous dates with some of the girls, the benchmark doesn't seem that high. As I've told my friends, half the work has already been done by the time I turn up on a first date. The reason she is meeting me is my predecessor's weren't cutting the mustard, so her expectation is already low. With a bit of good banter, backed up with a decent happy hour drinks list, you're half way to success.

I've had great fun so far and will be back next week, rested and ready for a new batch......

The Attitude On It.....

2009-08-21T18:00:00.000+01:00

So on Wednesday, I had possibly the shortest date in history. Looking back the whole scene was fairly comical, but at the time I was fuming....

I'd arranged to meet the delightful lady in question at 7.30. She was 35, attractive and on the email seemed normal enough. I never spend too much time emailing girls before asking them out as I'm not on the dating site looking for a penpal, but this tactic might change now.

She lived in Fulham and we had arranged to meet in the area, so I set off on a 20 minute walk from my apartment as it was a nice evening. On the way, I received a text letting me know she would be 15 minutes late. No problem there, as I knew the bar was showing the midweek football ,so I could watch that until she arrived....and probably after too if I could positon her well. Once there, I ordered myself a pint and had the pick of any seat as the bar was pretty much deserted....

As I finished off my drink I checked the time and it was now 8pm. Half an hour late. Pushing it a little, but things happen. I got myself another drink and carried on with the football viewing. Half time came and it was now 8.30pm. An hour late and I was getting a little restless.

A few minutes later my phone went and it was Miss Delighful calling from outside the bar.

"I'm outside" she exclaimed

"Ok, well I'm inside, I can see you through the window" I replied

"Come and get me"....

My back was already well and truely up after this short exchange. Cheeky cow - turns up an hour late and is now ordering me about. I have many rubbish traits as you'll have noticed from previous blogs, but bad manners is my pet hate. Turning up so late without an apology falls under this catagory and after her abrupt demands, I almost lost my rag.

"Just come inside, its empty in here so you'll see me"

She then put the phone down and at that point there seemed no way to redeem this date and we hadn't even met. It couldnt get any worse.....

But it did. Miss Delightful then proceeded to talk on her phone outside the bar for another 10 mniutes. By this time my blood was boiling, but I was half thinking it must be a joke as no one could surely be this rude. She eventually walked into the bar and up to me and I sarcastically pointed out that she was over an hour late.

"I know, wasn't my fault though" was her retort. No more, no less.

"So, no apology?"....to which she sighed.....that was the last I could take

"You want to learn some fuckin manners sweetheart" (I get the contradiction of me swearing at a woman and hating bad manners, but I think I was fully justified). With this I got up and walked out, sporting a little childish grin as I left. There was no winner out of the evening, but this had to be the shortest date in history. Our face to face meet lasted for no longer than 30 seconds. That in itself warranted a chuckle.....

I'll put that one down to experience. I don't think I have ever meet an adult in their 30's with such a bad attitude problem. Luckily I have a weekend date with my favourite 23 year old, so the memory will fade quickly enough....

Ease Up On The Fake Tan, Honey

2009-08-17T22:41:00.001+01:00

Although I've come in for a fair amount of ribbing through the years due to fake tanning, I'm still a great advocat of it when done properly. Unfortunately, I generally used to apply it still half cut from the previous evening at 6am, before heading off to work. The intention was to make my face radiate a bit more than the pale drunken mess that stared back at me in the mirror. Potentially I could get a nice tanned glow that would fool work colleagues and bosses into thinking that I'd got an early night, but in reality I looked as though I'd varnished someone's parquet flooring with my face. I also never cleaned my hands properly after application, so they looked like I'd been up all night hand painting with a 5 year old. Not a great all round look when heading into an Investment Bank, but I somehow managed to hold down a career up in the city for over decade.

When I caught sight of my date on saturday evening, it was quite apparent I wasn't the only one that struggled with the whole fake tanning process. She jokingly suggested in one of her emails that she hoped we'd recognise each other. I certainly had no trouble in picking her from the crowd at Waterloo - she was quite literally glowing.

After my eyes had adjusted to the hightened brightness levels, we headed off for a bite to eat. Straight off the bat, she told me she had recently caught her long term boyfriend cheating with another girl from their tennis club. Ouch. I was her second online date, but it soon became clear that her ex's betrayal was still on her mind.

From here, a guy can go one of two ways. Get a little annoyed that his date keeps yapping on about her ex boyfriend or see this situation as a great opportunity to have a bit of rebound sex. I chose the latter....

Listening intently to her story, whilst constantly topping up her wine glass, I threw in a few comments like "He must be mad to let you go" and "I bet he'll end up regretting his choice soon enough". I started to zone out on most of the conversation as it was fucking boring me, but the odd boosting of her confidence as she paused for breath was well received.

We finished up the meal and went onto another bar. By this time talk of her ex was easing up and she was becoming a bit more tactile...like the A-Team, I love it when a plan comes together. My tactics of letting her talk and gently massaging her tattered ego were paying off, but there was still one big stumbling block. She lived over in Essex and me in SW London. This is really where I had to step my game up if I were to get her back to mine.

Knowing that she was still quite clearly not over her ex, it was time to subtly let her know she should be letting her hair down, having fun, going wild.....and most importantly, sleeping with me.

Its never a good idea to be too complimentary really early in the date as this can come across as overly keen, so once the signs are there that she enjoys your company, whether it be by her laughing at most things you have to say, being tactile or playing with her hair, its time to schmooze.

From letting her know that she looked so much younger than her age (she was 32 and looked...about 32), to telling her that she should really start enjoying her new found freedom, I seemed to be getting through. When she came back from the bar with our drinks + a couple of shots, I knew my chances of getting her over to my side of town were vastly improving. I suggested we should go and have a boogie somewhere to which she agreed. Then I slipped in that there is a really good club (complete lie, its a shithole) in Clapham, which is only a 10 min cab ride away, but more conveniently, where I live. She agreed. Before we left to jump into a taxi, I went into the toilet, really just to congratulate myself more than anything. Mission complete...or so I thought.

Whilst in the nightclub waiting to be served, I sent a text to a couple of mates informing them I would be getting laid later on. Too smug. After a little dance to some 70's classics and a few more drinks, we headed back to my place. On the short cab journey home, my bubble burst. She informed me that "I'm not going to sleep with you tonight". Huh? Had she headed 90 minutes away from her area to play a bit of late night scrabble? I agreed with her whole heartedly that we shouldn't, but I thought once we were in bed it would be a different story....

It wasn't. She got down to her thong and bra and had an arse like a ripe peach. We had a little kiss but she was adament it wasn't going any further. My last attempt was to get some music on to put her in the mood, but by the time I'd found my ipod, fumbled about to get it onto the Boys 2 Men playlist and managed to plug it into my speakers, she had nodded off. The art of seduction.

I'm not a great sleeper, so there was no way I was going to snooze next to a half naked girl with an arse so good I wanted to take a bite out of it. I went into the lounge and stayed up watching some shit early hours film until I finally dropped off.

She left very early as she had a family lunch, which I was most pleased with. I climbed into my bed and nursed my hangover for much of the day. Although she was a nice girl, I'm pretty sure we won't see each other again, due to distance and if I was to date her long term, my fake tan outlay would go through the roof....

Take care my little orange friend......

Its Not You, Its Me....

2009-08-10T13:47:00.000+01:00

Coming hard on the heels of my "Don't hate the player, hate the game" line, I've now gone and used another sickening cliche. Its not you, its me. I'm almost starting to dislike myself.....

I was dating the air stewardess again on saturday night and I went into it with an open mind. I liked her on almost every level, apart from the fact she was trying to speed things along quicker than Usain Bolt hurtles down a track. After our last date, I almost called things off, but I thought maybe after her work trip to Hong Kong the previous week, she may have come back a bit more relaxed....

As usual, she drove up to my place and we headed out into Clapham. I took her to a nice Italian place that I know and we settled down to some good food and wine. The conversation was flowing and I was starting to forget what it was that had made me even contemplate having the "chat" with her. She is sexy, good fun and a generally a really decent girl. What the fuck is my problem?...

Well, this is my problem. As we finished up the meal and headed to a bar, she by this time was a little tipsy. We'd only shared a bottle of wine so I was still pretty much stone cold sober. She had locked her arm in mine and we were strolling quite happily along when she came out with "I really like it in Clapham. I could see myself living here"....

Within milliseconds of the final word of that sentence, I had stiffened up as though rigormortis had set in, my heart had stopped beating and I felt my sweat glands filling up. Some may say I'm over reacting, but those 12 words changed the course of an evening. This was only the fourth time we have met and already she had probed me about where our relationship was heading. Now she was putting into my sub conscious that she would like to live near - or possibly with, I wasn't about to ask - me. I muttered something back about it being a nice area, then dragged her into the first bar in sight - I needed a drink.....

I had paid for dinner so she offered to get the first drinks in. Whilst she was at the bar, my mind was working overtime to think of how to politely say I think we should move on. My first attempt was using the fact that I was her first date on Match - I suggested in a jovial manner that she should arrange some more dates to see what the compettition is like and it was a waste of her subscription fee to date just one guy. That didn't seem to register and she just laughed it off and told me to stop being silly....I'm really not.....

Then I started on with the fact that there must be a reason why I've had so few long term girlfriends. Listing all my bad points wasn't difficult, but again this just seemed to get jokingly swept aside. I headed off for a toilet break to gather my thoughts and as I locked myself in the cubicle, it came to me. Who would have thought a toilet seat could give such inspiration, but its as if it spoke to me....

Remebering that I had told her I used cocaine a fair bit - mainly being snorted on one knee in bar/nightclub cubicles, hence the inspiration - I suddenly saw fit for me to lie and say I had gone back to substance abuse and needed help before I could even contemplate letting anoyone into my life. Fucking genius. She doesn't feel like she is getting the brush off, her heart goes out to me, I get to walk away knowing that her feelings aren't damaged, everyone, quite simply, is a winner...

As I headed back down to the bar, I took a deep breath ready for a De Niro like acting performance...and to be fair I didn't disappoint with the conclusion of the story ending with a "So honey, its nothing to do with you. This is my problem and once I sort myself out, hopefully we can see where things go from there". I really think I handed my balls in a birth sometimes as I am such a coward to the bitter end. I've never finshed properly with anyone in my life as generally I just wait till I get the elbow, tell massive lies as above or I just stop answering calls and emails in the knowledge that they will eventually go away. As I said earlier, I'm starting to dislike me as well.....

Anyway, she was convinced by my little Oscar worthy performance and we ended up having a few more drinks, then heading back to mine as she had driven up. In the morning, for some reason it felt like a massive weight had been lifted and I was slighlty proud of myself as she left in fairly good spirits and told me to email her if I needed anything. Who said honesty is the best policy......

I'll Give Up Work At 28....

2009-08-06T14:28:00.000+01:00

I have an age range of 23-33 on my online dating profile which I believe is broad enough to catch me the girl that I'm after. The beauty of life is that we're all attracted by different things, but one trait that has never been on my radar is the older woman. Maybe its my obvious fear of commitment, but I like the energy and care free attitude that comes with dating younger girls, although last night was an exception to the rule....

If I'm honest, I was sure she would be high maintainance from our email conversations, but I'm a sucker for a pretty face. She drove over to a bar that is a 2 minute walk from my flat, so I really had nothing to lose other than a few hours of my time.

She was 24 years old and living on her own in Mayfair. For those that don't know, this is one of, if not the, most exclusive addresses in London, reserved for the super rich. It is probably only 5 miles from where I live, but worlds apart.....and I think her sat nav was telling her that as she must have called at least 5 times on the way over to ask directions.

As I was guiding her in from the bar I saw a black Range Rover pull up over the road. Definately her. I knew she worked for a hedge fund, but without sounding too sexist, there is no way a 24 year old girl can afford to live in Mayfair and drive a Range without a little help....from Daddy no doubt.

As she headed into the bar, I could almost feel the class barriers crashing. Although I was lucky enough to go to private school, I ended up coming out of the education system with what can only be described as a slight Essex accent. Lets just say I'm more Danny Dyer than Prince Harry, although I have huge affection for my favourite Royal.

I was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and timberlands. She turned up looking like she was ready for a night at the Opera. Long black leather gloves, a cravat and a pair of shoes on that possibly cost more than the bar we were in.

Although I had been presumptuous about the type of girl she was, it soon became apparent that I was correct. Daddy was a celebrity in Malta and mummy was a Dutch model. She had come to the UK by herself about a year ago and although I have respect for anyone who sets out on their own, it does help to ease the loneliness when papa buys you an apartment in Central London to reside in and ships over a customised Range Rover for you. Its hardly the same as staying at the local YMCA or getting a Greyhound bus between destinations.

We started talking about previous online dates and it was evident that her theme was anyone with a bit of money, mainly hedge fund CEO's or Investment bankers. She told me that working past 28 years of age was not an option as by then she would "have a man to take care of my every need". Poor fucker. He'll be getting sex once a year or when she wants kids and thats his lot. She was so self absorbed I almost felt sorry for her as it clearly was beacuase the parents had given her absolutely everything, but then I looked out of the window at her car and the pity soon faded.

She wasn't drinking and the more alcohol I have, the worse my accent gets. By the end of the evening, I felt like Oliver Twist. I was almost tempted to ask her if she'd sponsor me - she could tell her friends she helps a Cockney fellow out for charity.

Although I take everyone at face value and I'd like to think I'm fairly easy to get on with, could I see myself quaffing champers at a polo match with Tarquin and Henretta talking about country retreats?.....well yes, but someone may release the hounds this South London oik so I'll stick to what I know....

I'm out with the air stewardess again this weekend. It maybe my second online dating break up if she carries on with the pressure questions and I'm not even 3 months in....

East Meets West...

2009-08-03T16:25:00.000+01:00

So after a heavy friday night in central London with friends which finished up around 6am, I woke late in the afternoon on saturday. I looked a fucking mess and I was sure my Bangladeshi date that evening wouldn't have been to impressed with what she saw - literally looked like I'd just walked out of a joint do for Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse. After getting a good lot of food inside me, shower and shave, I was still feeling horrendous, but like a true Brit, I was ready to go and drink through it....

I can go one of two ways here - sometimes with hare of the dog I can turn into a drunken mess within two drinks, whilst other times its as if I hadn't touched a drop the night before. I was hoping I could pull of the later, but it was in the hand of the gods...

I turned up a bit early to the bar we were meeting in and started realising that I had no idea what she did, if she spoke with a full on Bangledshi accent or anything about her culture.....luckily the barmaid told me it was still happy hour so that calmed my nerves and by the time my date turned up, I had two bottles of beer infornt of me. Good start...

She had an absolutely beautiful face and very calm manner. I'm fairly hyper at the best of times so this really was ying and yang. I was still pretty unsteady from the previous night's drinking so I kept firing questions about her culture and country to deflect from my obvious lack of conversational skills - she must have thought I was writing the Lonely Planet chapter on Bangledesh with the amount of facts I was after...

After a couple of hours, she was still nursing a small glass of wine with a bottle of water. By this point, I'd had my fair share of 2 for 1 bottles of beer and she did comment on my drinking. Not a great sign after 120 minutes of meeting, but I think if I'd tried to explain that I was drinking quickly to lessen my shakes as I'd got shitfaced the previous night, that wouldn't have been the answer she was looking for....We actually moved onto another bar, but it was more going through the motions. Come around 10ish, I was ready to get away, so told her I had work in the morning. We said our goodbyes and I headed home content with 3 pieces of chicken and chips....

I am all up for experiencing new cultures, but I think when it comes to a partner, there is alot to be said for coming from the same background or at least having the same mother tongue. You have shared alot of common experiences and can laugh/discuss these at will, whereas alot will get lost in translation with someone from elsewhere on the planet. Anyway, its each to there own, but think I'll be sticking to dating girls with English as their first langauge - if I can't find a girl in that wide a demographic, then I've got my own issues to address...

My air stewardess is back in town early this week so will be hooking up with her at some point. I've calmed down from her awkward questions, but we'll see how it goes this week. I've also been chatting away on the email with a young daddy's girl living in Mayfair, so may dust off the cravat and blazer ready fro a date with her...

Commitment Issues.....

2009-07-30T11:11:00.000+01:00

Fresh from a couple of back to back dates, which I will chat about in a sec, I've had a particularly bad week. I, along with hundreds of other investors, have been shafted in a Ponzi style scheme that will become the biggest fraud ever to be seen in the UK. An expensive lesson I've learnt from this is, if its too good to be true....its too good to be true.. Secondly, what the f&ck has happened to summer in England? We were promised a blazing year and so far, apart from two weeks when the tennis was on, its been chucking it down. We seem to be escaping this whole global warming issue quite comfortably....

So, I had another light hearted date with the 23 year old on tuesday evening. We again met locally and chat of 80's luminous clothing coming back into fashion was a welcome distraction from thinking about my woeful business losses. I am a little worried that she got phone calls from her mum and dad during both dates, one being Italian and the other Maltese. With that in mind, I'm scared to death of making too much of a move on her or I could end up sleeping with the fishes sometime soon. Anyway, we'll just have to see how it pans out....

Last night, I met up with the non abusive air stewardess. This was the third time we had seen each other and although I do like her, the signs are that she wants to move it along a little quicker than me. Over drinks, she told me most ex boyfriends had an issue with her job as she is away alot. Then she asked how I feel about it.

Its been said before that I have the gift of the gab, but I'm suprisngly awkward when it comes to anything to do with relationships. My parents split up when I was 16 so I'll try and pass the blame over to them, but in reality, its just I don't like commitment. In 12 years communting into the City, only a handful of times did I buy a monthly travelcard as I even saw this as being tied down. The mere mention of an annual pass sent my head spinning and a colleague would have to shoot off to the water cooler to get me some liquids to settle me down again.

So her question took me by supirse and I just mumbled something about its your job and I hope you enjoy it, which was a completely irrelevant answer, but my mouth was moving as the brain froze. Not content with this bumbling answer, she then asked where she thought we were heading - Lord, I need a colleague here now with a water cooler. I produced a better answer this time around saying we're having fun together and lets not put a label on it just yet. Feeling pretty damn impressed with my quick fire retort, I ordered a celebratory shot. The rest of the evening went as palnned and she left this morning with a flight out to Denver at some point over the weekend.

I feel today though that with her questions, I'm a little less attracted to her. The slightest whiff of desperation turns me off completely. When you first meet someone, just enjoy their company, have good sex and have a laugh. All 3 things will fade pretty quickly so just enjoy it while it lasts.. Maybe I'm being a little harsh as I'm hungover and wound up about this Pozi shit, so hopefully I'll be wanting to see her once she returns from her travels next week.

I'm out with friends on friday night, but have arranged a date on saturday with a Bangladeshi girl. She looks gorgeous, but I have minimal knowledge of their culture which I'm guessing isn't just to get shitfaced like us Brits..... but if you don't buy a ticket.....

Hell Has No Fury Like A Woman Scorned...

2009-07-28T13:54:00.002+01:00

So yesterday I received a mail in my online dating account from friday nights date. Not content with sending me an abusive text, which I thoroughly deserved, she followed it up with a mail telling me in no uncertain terms what she thinks of my being. Not sure she could have fitted the word tosser into one paragraph many more times....

My only real issue here is that if you have sex with someone on the first night, you are playing the game. Something may develop if both parties are feeling it, but you also run the risk that it could just be a drunken bit of fun. I'm not one to catagorize woman who jump into bed with a man on the first night - these girls have been a big part of my life for years - but if you think that a few hours drunk in a bar and a few minutes drunk in bed are the basis of a new relationship, you're quite frankly a few sandwiches short of a picnic...

Anyway, I didn't reply with any sarcastic dating advice as she knows where I live, so hopefully she'll just learn form this experience....and perhaps before her next date, get down the waxing clinic.....

Air stewardess number 1 is back from Hong Kong today so she is driving up tomorrow evening and tonight I have another rendez vous with the charming 23 year old. As I picked up a copy of the Sunday Times at the weekend, I also grabbed the News Of The World to brush up on celeb gossip. Stories of Jordan and her new cage fighting boyfriend plus Posh's night out in London should keep the conversation flowing....

Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Game

2009-07-26T16:39:00.002+01:00

I never thought I'd use that line, but in my drunken haze yesterday, I actually sent that in a text. She replied with "You are a w*nker" - no arguements there....

So on friday I'd arranged to meet my second air stewardess in a week. Good work if you can get it... She lived down in Crawley which is near Gatwick airport, so she suggessted coming up to Clapham with a friend of hers, who was also a Virgin stewardess. The more the merrier...

I was having a few earliy drinks with a friend from school and then my brother and a mutual friend came to join. I'd told her to give me a ring when they got off the train and I would direct them to the bar. Friday night in Claphamm high street can get pretty hectic and my school friend wanted to move onto a newly opened place as he was meeting some other people in there. I hate queuing so decided to go our sperate ways. My brother had a big job on saturday so wasn't drinking and ended up driving me and my other friend to the trusty tapas bar I'm constantly frequenting in anticipation of meeting the two girls. Worked out well as he is newly single and would be a trusty wingman.

She called around 10ish and I guided them to the bar - not the easiest task with a couple of drunken, ditzy blondes on the other end of the line, but we got there in the end. As soon as they walked in, no doubting it was them. Straight away though my eyes were drawn to her friend, a smaller, prettier version of my date. Oops.

It was clear that all four of us had been drinking for a while before meeting, but that made for easy conversation. I was spending more time chatting with my date which I guess is the correct protocol, but I found my eyes wondering over in her friends direction a fair bit. As I went to the bar to get more drinks, I whispered in her friends ear that I thought she looked gorgeous - I know this isn't putting me in a great light, but the saying goes, all's fair in love and war. She was pretty wasted anyway and took it as harmless flirting...or so I thought.

After spending a few more hours drinking and chatting, it was clear that my date was fairly keen, but her friend by this time was really drunk and I think my mate had waved the white flag. He decided to call it a night and left me with the pair of them. I invited them back to mine, but her friend wanted to get the train home. I wasn't going to push it as I didn't overly fancy my date, so just pointed them in the direction of the train station and started my 10 min journey home. The joys of hanging out locally....

As I was walking, I recevied a text from the 23 year old I saw earlier in the week asking what I was up to. It was 2am so she must be drunk somewhere. Hmmm, promising. As I was texting her back, not at lightening speed I must say due to my inebriated state, my phone started ringing. It was the air stewardess. I answered and she told me she'd had a row with her friend and they now had gone their seperate ways and she'd get a taxi to mine. Girls. What a great 2 minutes I was having though....

I gave her the address and put the phone down with a wry smile. I had to delete the half text I was sending the 23 year old now. I thought I'd text her tomorrow and just prentend I'd been asleep.So the stewardess turned up shortly after I'd got back and we pretty much got straight down to business. I set the ipod to my Justin Timberlake playlist and was ready ready to go..I'd say I'm fairly giving in the bedroom and it excites me knowing the girl I'm with is enjoying her experience back at my ranch. So this in mind as I expertly pinged her bra off after a 30 second fumble, I was ready to go downstaris...

A little bit of kissing the neck, upper body and nipple areas to the sound of Cry Me A River and my hands slowly started removing her knickers. At the time it felt like my touch was a gentle as a summer breeze, but in reality it was probably like two shovels digging into her hips....I was a bit taken aback by the size of these bloody things - doesn't everyone put on their best underwear on a night out just incase things go to plan?. She clearly hadn't thought this through or she has a horrendeous fetish for granny style undies. Then after this unpleasant suprise, I was faced with an extremely disheveled pussy. Back in the 80's this was acceptable as people didn't know any different, but big hairy beasts should be a thing of the past. I'm not burying my head in that, so it was back to the upper body.....

We ended up having sex for a while, but I really wasn't feeling it. I couldn't get over the site of the Beast. I was really just going through the motions and was happy once it was all over.In the morning we had some idle chat chat and she was a nice girl, but was glad when I'd walked her to the bus stop and waved her out of sight.

I spent all day yesterday nursing a horrendeous hangover then in the evening received a text from my hairy friend. She asked if I had come onto her friend in the bar, as this is what her mate had told her. I was still in a bit of a haze and I knew I wasn't going to see her again, so text back with the line "Don't hate the player, hate the game". What a tw*t, but I am chuckling to myself as I write this.That is the last I'll be hearing from her. I'd like to tell her that she needs to "smarten up" as it were if she has any chance of keeping a guy interested, but thats for her to figure out.

So a British Airways and Virgin stewardess in the same week. I'm starting to enjoy this internet dating lark......

Very Refreshing...

2009-07-23T15:53:00.000+01:00

I've always come in for a fair amount of stick from friends when it comes to previous girlfriends. I've tended to date girls a fair bit younger than me and last night hammered home the point as to why....

We met in a bar after work 5 minutes walk from my flat as she works locally. She was very bubbly from the moment we started talking and although it was clear we weren't there to solve issues on the global economic crisis, it was refreshing to chat to someone whom it clearly didn't have any impact on in these depressing times. She had graduated the previous year and was now in the fashion industry which she clearly had a massive passion for. She still lived with her mum, which obviously made me feel even older as I haven't been residing with either parent for almost 17 years now....

My wide knowledge of inane celebrity gossip was put to good use and those hours of watching E! channel on Sky were finally paying for themselves. From Zac Efron's alleged date with Megan Fox, to who I've sided with in the Katie and Peter split, I was just on a roll.....

We moved onto a cocktail bar and the chat remained at the same level all night. At one point as we were discussing the film Confessions of A Shopoholic (I haven't seen it but viewed trailors and read sufficient reviews to hold my own on the topic) I couldn't help but wonder what the boys would make of all this......but you know what, it was a lovely, light hearted distraction from reality and I had a great evening.

There were no awkward, pressure questions that I have had before, no probing remarks about if we either had any other dates lined up, just lowbrow, amusing conversation. At the end of the evening I walked her to the train station, gave her a peck on the check and told her to call me when she got to her car at the other end. That was more of a parental act, but there was definately some chemistry there and we will meet again.....after I've purchased next weeks copy of Hello.....

British Airways Cabin Crew Give 1st Class Service...

2009-07-22T12:51:00.001+01:00

So the air stewardess drove down to me last night after flying in from Johannesburg. I knew she would be staying over so that put me in good spirits all day.

We cracked open a bottle of wine at mine then headed out to eat at my local tapas restaurant. Over the years, this place has seen me entertain a high volume of unwitting young females and unfortunately there is a low turnover of staff, so a smile cracks open on nearly everyone's face as I walk in with a new edition....

Slightly veering off of the subject, have you ever wondered if air stewardesses get to sleep on the long haul flights? I had no idea at the tail of a plane is sleeping quarters for the staff, generally with bunk beds in. Fact......

Anyway, we sat down to a nice meal and a couple of bottles of wine, with some good conversation. Towards the end of the meal she then asked me if I was dating anyone else. Now, if you have read my previous blogs, I'm fearful of answering this one. They say honesty is the best policy, but it doesn't apply here. You have to make a girl feel special, so she needs to know she is the only one. I told her no, but I have a date tonight with a 23 year old and another with a Virgin air stewardess on friday. I don't like lying, but I think on a second date its a bit of an awkward question. Say it after 5 or 6 dates when you have got to know each other a little better, but its too much of a pressure question half way through the second meeting. I stumbled off of the subject quickly enough and we headed to perch ourselves at the bar.

We hear the stories about what these girls and the pilots are like when they are away and she is definately a stand up case. She certainly can drink and by about 11, she was practically dragging me out of the bar to get me home. I feel that it wasn't the first time she'd done this, but hey, who am I to judge.

Once again we saw the night through till the sun was rising, or the grey clouds in this case. She was having a new kitchen fitted today so shot off early again which I was more than happy with. I managed to get a few more hours sleep and suprisngly don't feel too bad today.

As I said, I have a date with a 23 year old tonight. I'm 33 now, so not quite sure what we'll have in common although I'm quite good with celeb gossip, so if there are any silences, I ll bring up Katie and Peter's split. Any thoughts on a 10 year age gap - is that too much? I'll know this time tomorrow....

It Ain't Over Till The Fit Lady Faints....

2009-07-18T15:49:00.000+01:00

I knew I'd meet some strange ones along the way, but last night must top the bill or I'll give up...

So as planned, I met my friends up in Covent Garden after work. As the years slip by, so does the alcohol tolerance. By 8 or 9 we were all well oiled and in good spirits. Lucy rang me to say her and her friends were in a bar just around the corner, so we all met up. We all had a laugh and everything was going fine, or so I thought, so we moved onto a cheesy club that we used to frequent in our younger years. Her friends wanted to go onto somewhere a bit more trendy, so they went off leaving Lucy to join us.

We had been in the club about an hour when there was a commotion behind me by the bar. As I looked down, I saw Lucy on the floor. I quickly told the bar staff to get the bouncers and I tried to get a response out of her. She came round pretty quickly and with the help of the bouncers we got her out the club, but had left her coat inside. I sat her down on the pavement and asked if she was alright. " Why don't you show me any attention when we're out?" she replied.

I was drunk, but had a fair idea what that episode was all about. "Did you just collapse to get attention?" I enquired. Then she started crying...I'm no good in situations like this. I felt a bit sorry for her, but to me that shows massive signs of insanity. I wanted to just put her in a cab home, but she was in a state, so I went back inside to get her coat, then we got a taxi to mine. My mates asked if she was ok when I went back in, but I couldnt bring myself to say what had really happened. I'll leve that till tomorrow.

Through the tears she kept saying sorry, but I was half annoyed and half scared. I'd have to sleep with one eye open with this nutjob next to me.As soon as we got in she went to bed and fell asleep and I stayed on the sofa - it wasn't worth the risk.

This morning I had "the chat". I don't like face to face confrontation and normally wait till a girl gets sick of me, which generally doesn't take too long, but this was a whole new ball game. My ex was not the full ticket so I've just had a year of this type of behaviour and I'm sure not going through it again. I sat her down on the sofa and just said we should go our seperate ways. She took it suprisingly well, so well infact I thought I'd made a mistake by the time she left. Actually, no way. Normal people don't act like her last night. She obvioulsy has issues and good luck to her sorting them out, but I'm not the rock to lean on. I'm just back into this dating game and not ready to be wrapped up in girls problems so quickly.

My friends have had a good giggle at the whole scenario, but I quickly reminded them that I have another date on tuesday with an air stewardess. Lets hope that goes slightly better....

Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman, Behind Her Is His Wife

2009-07-16T12:48:00.000+01:00

I've been busy with work this week so haven't been out. I've had a fair few texts with the air stewardess and we ll be meeting up next week once she's back from her second trip this week.

I'm out with the boys in covent garden tomorrow. We're starting early so should be a messy one. Lucy is up town with some of her friends so I've said we could all potentially meet up, but have warned it could go the same way as last time. She said she's fine with that, but we'll see.

Weirdly, the hippy chick text me to see if I fancy meeting up again. HELLO. were we on the same date? not sure we were even on the same planet. I just haven't answered. I look at it from my point of view - would I rather be text saying no I don't want to meet again or no answer - and I think the latter is a smaller blow to the confidence. Thats how I justify it anyway.

Anything From The Trolley Sir? Yes, You Please...

2009-07-13T14:46:00.000+01:00

So another phone call went into my business partner this morning. As I opened my puffed up eyes at around 11.30am, I knew there was no chance of my leaving my flat today....

I met the air stewardess at 6pm last night at a bar close to mine. As I said, she had driven up from Windsor so not sure what was going to occur.

Soon after we met there was clearly an attraction and the conversation was good. After an hour or so my dilema was to be foward and say if she fancies drinking, she can park the car at mine and stay over, me sleeping on the sofa of course or just play it out and see what happens. I went for the former telling her of a lively 2 for 1 cocktail evening on sundays at a local bar. She took the bait and my smile nearly turned to a childish giggle. She told me she had a flight at 11am the next morning so would have to leave very early. It just kept getting better...

We headed back to mine to drop her car off and as I opened up the gates to the flats I live in, one of the other lads that lives in the block was wandering about in the communal area. A few of us play football together so know one another well enough. As I ushered my date into a parking space, I asked what he was up to. Wrong move. He had just found out his best mate had been sleeping with his girlfriend of 2 years..Talk about awkward. Like I said, we know each other, but not that well. I was smiling like a Premiership footballer about to sign a new contract and he'd just blurted this out. Wish I hadn't asked.

As my date got out of her car, I invited him out with us - I had to really, but luckily he declined. Without sounding too harsh, thank f*ck. I was just about to get an air stewardess liquored up and who is staying at mine, I don't need her spending the night giving him advice. Its every man for himself in this situation....

Anyway, as he headed back up to his flat with an evident tear in his eye, I was also nearly brought to tears.....2 for 1 cocktails all night and a chance of sex with a hot stewardess. All on the sabbeth day. Hallelujah..

We started going through the cocktail menu at a fair pace. The bar was lively as it always is on sundays, playing 80's music to liven the spirits. We shared a little kiss early on and there was a whole lot of flirting evident. I knew it was in the bag, so on my next trip to the bar, I even stopped off for a little boogie to a Wham! number. I was just showboating now....

We ended up going through most of the cocktail menu, with a few shots chucked in for good measure and left the bar around 1am, really hammered. Strangely, I'm a good performer in the bedroom when totally wasted. On drugs, I've got more chance of scaling Everest than getting my little fella to work, but while drunk, I'm like Ron Jeremy..

We ended up having sex till sunlight was coming up, then I passed out till I came around at 11.30ish. She had left and I got up still very drunk, so her drive home couldnt have been pleasant. I checked my phone and she had left a message thanking me for a great evening and that she wasn't looking foward to her 10 hour flight to Denver. Ouch. I struggled to make it to my sofa, so a trip across the pond wouldnt have been fun.

I will definately be seeing her again. Got on really well and we had good sex. Not a bad combo. I've done no work today. My business partner should be getting irritated by my no shows, but he's loving the stroies which helps.

When You Know, You Know...

2009-07-11T16:44:00.000+01:00

After 5 minutes of turning up last night I knew, and I'm sure she did, that we had nothing in common. It doesn't happen too often, but right from the off we were on completely different wave lenghts. She was a bit of a hippy type and seemed a little stoned. To be honest, after 30 minutes of conversation filler I was going to ask if I could have whatever she was on just to numb the awkwardness.

A couple of hours of inane chat and alot of time spent thinking about my exit strategy had passed by the time I could take no more. I politely said I had to be up early in the morning as I had some work to do and that was that. A perfectly charming girl, just not for me.

I have spoken to the air stewardess that I'm meeting tomorrow. We had a good laugh on the phone so I have high hopes. She lives in Windsor and is driving down to Clapham, so I ll have a fair idea early on of her intentions. If she starts drinking I know I maybe in for a good

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From...

2009-07-09T12:43:00.000+01:00

God knows, but it isn't the same planet as us, thats for sure.....

So last night I cooked that meal I had promised and entertained my internet friend, whom I'll refer to as Lucy....as thats her name.

After a couple of glasses of wine we got on the subject of internet dating and she told me this. Whenever she feels like going out for dinner, she'll just catch a few guys attention on the dating website then get the best of the bunch to take her out for dinner. A month or so ago, she had 8 dates in 9 evenings and didnt pay for a thing. Isn't that called prostitution???

Now I'm all for being a gentleman, but as I've said before, I think it says alot about a person if they don't even offer to put their hand in pocket. Also, I was under the impression that women wanted to be empowered and seen as equals? I guess that goes out the window when the bill arrives. Honestly, the Spice Girls and Sex and The City have alot to answer for. You can't have it both ways ladies...well I tried last night, but she wasn't having any of it.....

I'm starting to think this girl isn't all there, so I'll have to throw a curve ball soon I reckon.

I'm out with the American girl tomorrow and a sunday evening date with the air stewardess. Both are meeting me in Clapham. I'm already starting to get very lazy. The whole travelling to meet what essentially is a blind date doesn't sit well with me... I had a girl from Walsall wanting to come down to stay for the weekend. One, we might not get on and two, listening to a brunnie accent for 72 hours - no chance...

I'm Already A Little Worried

2009-07-07T13:42:00.000+01:00

Everytime I've been on the dating site in the last couple of days to see who's shown me any interest, I get a text from friday night's date asking what I'm doing online. Showing all the signs of a bunny boiler.....but she's got great titties, so I'm seeing her again tomorrow night. I said I'll cook for her. I've come to realise already that this dating scene will cost me a fortune, so I think a few home cooked meals and a bottle or two of wine will help stem the cash flow.

I've also set up dates with a 35 year old American girl - I'm a sucker for US chicks and an air stewardess. They have a reputation so I'll be putting that to the test.

Now I've had a few dates, I'm getting more comfortable with the whole internet dating scene. Could even say its quite addictive. Nearly all my friends are settled down and I had a text from one the other day which read " We're all living our lives through you now - you do know that?".... Oh to be married and have kids....

Everyone's A Winner....

2009-07-02T12:41:00.000+01:00

Well, me anyway. Managed my first sexual encounter from internet dating last night - finally seeing some return on my membership fee...just kidding.

So the evening was a success. We had a decent meal up in the West End, went to a club then back to mine for some drunken slap and tickle. My last memory was the sun rising this morning with my ipod still playing Boyz 11 Men. If that doesn't blow her mind, I'm out of ideas......

When we woke up early afternoon, I realised just how selfish I have become living on my own. I literally couldn't get her out the flat fast enough. I even walked her to the bus stop, taking my laptop with me as I told her I had to go into the office. As soon as the bus pulled away, I went straight back between the sheets. Bliss - a day of rest and after a night of sex......

She is a sweet, attractive girl, but there is definately an air of desperation about her - I could almost hear the clock ticking as I fumbled about with her bra, but some regular jiggy jiggy wouldn't go amiss...

I'm going to sleep this horrendeous hangover off now and plan my next week out tomorrow. I've been chatting to a few other girls online so will for sure arrange to meet up with a couple next week. My confidence is increasing and I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of this dating scene.....

What The F^&k Does This Mean Ladies?

2009-07-01T15:39:00.000+01:00

I've been having some email chat with my date from saturday and she told me this - "You are the type of guy who is Mr Right now, not Mr Right"

Is that good or bad? Does this mean she wants to have a fling with me then discard me like a bad smell or she wants to be the one to turn me into Mr Right?. I guess we ll find out over the coming weeks.....

She also sent a text asking me why I had been logged onto the dating website today - basically it tells you whether other members are online. She put a smiley face at the end of the message, but that screams nutter to me. Oh well, I just pray I'm still alive come saturday morning after our second meeting.....

The Miricale Of Text...

2009-06-28T13:39:00.000+01:00

I didn't quite have the balls to ring her, so did it the cowards way and sent a grovelling text. Unbelievably after a little bit of text banter, she has agreed to meet up next friday and give me a second chance, from the same starting position this time though....

I think I owe it to her to have a week off the booze and turn up relaxed and sober on friday....Here goes....

As Expected, Not A Raging Success

2009-06-27T12:37:00.000+01:00

This applies to all dates, but especially the first. Never ever meet when you're hammered and she is sober - it ll never be a pretty outcome. I knew this but thought I'd run the risk.

By the time my date came to join us in Clapham at around 9, myself and friends had been drinking and doing other perishables for a few hours. The rate of chat had got to such a level, no one was pausing for breath. My jaw was now out of control and pupils getting bigger by the minute. I was in a good place though. Not sure my date was going to be too impressed....

To be fair, I managed to hold it together fairly well while initially chatting to her and her frineds, but it would all go down hill rapidly. By the time we arrived at the bar opening, I was coming up on a couple of pills and was on a totally different planet. I managed to get a one on one with my date which probably wasnt the best idea and her comments on me were - you seem like a player and although you have denied it to my friend, you're on drugs. My word how observant women can be. I always take it when a woman says player, that basically means she is attracted to you, so if I could just sort out my grinding jaw issues, it may get back on track...

As I looked round, all my friends were sat at the same table but clearly on different levels. Luckily my brother was in there relatively sober and endeavoured to entertain her and her friends for a while.

I'd now caught the attention of another girl, and she joined us at our table. I was so out of it and ended up kissing her in full view of everyone. As I got up to go to the bar, my date came over, kissed me too and then slapped me round the face. I think it was a see what your missing you t*sser type thing. That was the last I saw of her unsuprisingly and to be fair by the time a few of us headed back to mine for an after party in the early hours, I'd totally forgotten she'd even turned up.

That, for sure, will be the first and last date I turn up on in that state. Not a great idea. I quite fancied her too, so think I will contact her to see the damage. I'm sure she won't pick up, but if you don't buy a ticket....

A Pessimist Is A Man Who Thinks...

2009-06-26T15:35:00.000+01:00

all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

I had a text from the doctor yesterday but have ignored it so far. Me, like most men, am not very good at confronting awkward situations with women. I see it as we only met a couple of times so don't really owe her any explanation about why we should'nt meet again - I wouldnt expect one.

Onto the next. Tonight's date is an attractive dark haired 30 year old who has returned from living in New York just recently. She'll be heading down with some friends in the evening, at which point I should be well on my way as a few of us are starting early...they'll be some drama, for sure....

Lord, Take Me Now

2009-06-24T14:34:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure if I'm still drunk or still in shock. That whole second chance thing - scrap it. Always go with your gut instinct, its invariably right...

Out went the coat, in came the thigh high boots, mini dress and some bizarre waist coat. As she first walked up to me I didnt know whether to kiss her cheek or ask her how much for a rub and tug! My heart dropped and I was like a startled rabbit caught in the headlights. My first thought was I'll have to get very, very drunk to get through the evening. I couldn't make my excuses and leave as she had travelled to see me. A few years ago I would have, but my conscience has annoyingly grown.

I walked her rather swiftly to a bar I never frequent and settled in for the evening. No chance was I taking her into the thick of the action for fear of seeing anyone I know. We both got fairly wasted and I was doing a few sneaky shots at the bar out of her eye sight just to lower my embarrassment of sitting with a near on street walker that much quicker.

I honestly don't get that an intelligent thirty two year old doctor didn't take one look in the mirror before she headed out and thought, I'm not sure this outift works. I'm no fashion icon, , but her get up really was for a fancy party and nothing else.

We still had a drunken snog at the end of the night before I bundled her into a taxi...as it pulled away, I knew our paths would not cross again..with any luck....

Everyone Deserves A Second Chance

2009-06-23T12:33:00.000+01:00

I'm nervous about tonight. She is venturing over to Clapham and I'm worried about the outfit she'll be in. If its anything like last week, I'll have to take her somewhere very low key so I don't get spotted out with my very own female "Bruno". I'm almost regretting arranging this now and I've gone and arranged another date this week that has disaster written all over it.

On friday, there is a new bar opening and I have tickets to get in. Some friends from my City days are taking a half day and we're planning on a rather boozy lunch with some extras, if you get my drift. I've now invited a new date and some of her friends along for the evening - I did this whilst still very drunk from the night before over the weekend. I make alot of bad decisions when under the influence. Anyway, its all fun, so let the games commence.....

My Pet Hate...

2009-06-20T14:02:00.000+01:00

There is very little that irratates me more than when your date doesn't even attempt to offer to buy a round of drinks....especially when taken to a pretentious, over priced bar in Chelsea. Don't get me wrong, I ll generally pay for most of the evening when out and about, but I also think you can tell alot by the way a person behaves with money. Even the offer shows some form of generousity, but expectance says to me she will be a princess and get out toute suite..

The date was short and sweet. We went to a bar full of pompous, silver spooned thirtysomethings, all of whom I'm guessing were oblivious to the credit crunch as the expensive champagne was flowing like water. My date was very attractive, but the constant name dropping turned her ugly. How she had been on set with George Clooney - "He's definately gay", an advert with David Beckham - "He's having loads of affairs" Jayz asked for her number and it rolled on.....

After 3 rounds of drinks costing nearly 60 GBP, and this inane celebrity chat, I made my excuses and left. I headed back to Clapham and met up with a few mates who took delight in my disasterous evening.

The first week of internet dating has taught me this - I think alot of chaff is coming my way before I find the wheat. Anyway I'm off to enjoy the rest of my weekend.....

The Average Woman

2009-06-19T13:30:00.000+01:00

would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

So friday has come around and the third of my dates is hours away. I have arranged a second date with "The Coat" next tuesday, but havent had any contact with date number 2. Its a tricky one - I liked her but not enough to see it going anywhere. The dilema is if I leave it, will she feel like a sl*t for staying over on the first night and going to work with the same clothes on or if I contact her, It'll be hard to get out of the conversation without arranging another meet.

At 33 I still have no idea the workings of a female mind, so being a male, I ll shy away from confrontation and let fate take its natural course...

Tonight I am meeting a 37 year old make up artist from Sloane Square. I very rarely date anyone older than me, but its purely because she looks great in her profile pictures - nothing deeper than that.

Enjoy your friday evening....

A Drunk Mans Words Are A Sober Man's thoughts....

2009-06-17T13:23:00.000+01:00

I had to ring my business partner this morning to let him know there was no chance of me making it into the office. Its gone midday and I'm still not fully functional.....the first sickie of many I think...

I met my date after work and we went to a local cocktail bar that conventiently has 2 for 1 on all cocktails until 8pm on a tuesday. Rude not to indulge really and that we did. She wasn't a knock out, but fairly attractive and my preconceptions of the festival loving earthy type were completely wrong - born and bred in Brixton with a south London accent and a love for mixing cocktails on an empty stomach it seemed.

We moved onto a bar with a beer garden at around 10 and by this stage, we were both fairly lively. We ended up chatting to a few other groups on the long table we were all sat at and I instigated an arm wrestling competition - this is something I do alot recently when drunk and I have no idea why. I'm scared of my own shadow most of the time, so not sure what this little fad is all about. Hopefully it will pass soon enough.Anyway, with this going on and my date drunkenly chatting to randoms, I found myself on another table with a couple of other girls, one of whom was showing some interest. I managed to swap numbers without too much attention being drawn and I was off into the darkness, tripping over a handbag and falling into the bench I was supposed to be at.....the perfect getaway....

Now I was back with my date and we somehow communicated enough to move onto another bar. By this point we were both on our last legs. It was 1ish and we'd been drinking without food since 5. Not ideal and she had matched me all the way. We then started kissing like teenagers which is a sure sign for me that I'm too drunk - I hate PDA. Really hate it. She suggested coming back to mine and we literally stumbled into a taxi and headed home.

She woke me this morning in a real panic at 7 saying she couldn't be late for work...it was her first week at a new job!!! Good girl. Takes some going to get that drunk two days into your new career.

Nothing happened between us as we both woke fully clothed. I'm pretty glad as we were so inebriated.

What I am suprised at is both dates having been up for a bit of "fun" on the first night. I've been out of the dating scene for a while but guessing this may have something to do with the Sex and the City affect. I always thought that show had alot to answer for with the complete over the top empowerment of women, but if this is what its turned them into, maybe I'll purchase the boxset.......

I'm off now to eat, drink water and hopefully get rid of this headache. Hangovers aren't getting any easier, but with my dating schedule, they ll become more regular for sure.

Oh, my first date text to say she would like to meet up again. I'm going to as I feel like the coat could have been a curve ball. Everyone deserves a second chance, although if she turns up in that again, it will be 2 strikes and you're out....

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.....

Date Number Two And I'm Ready To Rumble

2009-06-16T14:02:00.000+01:00

I had a good sleep last night so feeling in top shape for the date later on. I'm meeting her 5 mins from my office so nice and local.

She is 26 and in recruitment. Seems to like her festivals so she's either a middle class girl who enjoys her live bands or is an "earthy" type who hangs around with white blokes with dreadlocks....I'm hoping the former.

I'll let you know how it went tomorrow, so for now I ll leave this bit of advice for all you ladies:

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again........

Gaggle Of Geese

2009-06-15T12:19:00.000+01:00

So, fresh from my first internet date, I bring you the run down.

I was no more than 100 metres away from the bar we were meeting in, two minutes late, when my mobile went. It was my date checking to see where I was. I thought it was a bit unnecessary, but I was nearly there so had no time to get irritated. Once I'd put the phone back in my pocket, I was outside the bar....

As I walked in and scanned the area, I instantly saw my date. To be fair, I couldn't ruddy miss her. She had a coat on that looked like she'd just come from a scrap in Kensington Gardens with a gaggle of geese and clearly came out on top. It was a huge white feathered thing, something straight out of a Sue Pollard wadrobe. Welcome to the world of internet dating....

One thing I'm never stuck for is words, so the conversation flowed freely and she was a chatty, intelligent girl...or so I thought. The talk moved onto internet dating and I told her this was my first - popping my cherry as it were. She'd been trying it for a few months now and what I didnt understand was she was on 3 different sites. You would have seen the adverts for the site we got talking on as its the biggest - something like 1 million members. Now alarm bells started ringing as I thought if a catchment area of 500,000 (working to a 50% boy/girl ratio) isn't enough, she must have some serious flaws. Call me egotistical, but I'd like to think 1 in every half a million girls would be attracted to me! Anyway, I asked her about previous dates, all had been no more than nice guys, apart from one...

She went on a first date with an Investment banker and liked him so they arranged a second. He took her to a decent restaurant in the centre of London and all was going well until over dessert he asked her this question- "Would you ever date a postman". Her response was I think fair enough and she dipolmatically said being a doctor, probably wouldn't have too much in common. His response was a little over the top. He stood up, flipped the table over and called her a f*ckin wh*re, then walked out and left her with the bill and a bit of chocolate gateau on her dress. I sarcastically asked if she thought he was a postman and with a straight face, she was still genuinely convinced he was a banker. There is a reason she's on 3 sites after all....

We had a few more drinks and then took a stroll down the Kings rd to find another bar. It was around 10'ish now and she insisted she was hungry. Eating formally on a first date isn't my thing. The restaurant we were stood outside while contemplating where to go was a candle lit affair and thats not how I roll. I told her I know a good place to eat locally and took her to an American sports bar. She was less than impressed, but I was far more comfortable. After an hour or so we left to call it a night. We were both a little tipsy and although I've had my fair share of dating experiences in the past, wasn't quite sure how you finish it all up on an internet date. Do I kiss her, say I ll email/call her or do the normal and try and get her back. She made my mind up for me and asked if I wanted to head back to hers. Not sure if its my age and I'm finally getting a conscience, being new to internet dating or that it was a sunday night but I declined and said we should go out again soon. I'm not sure I meant it at the time, but reflecting on it I probably will - she was attractive and a decent conversationalist, lets just hope that jacket doesn't make another appearance!

The lesson I have learnt from the first liaison is don't tell the girl that you have other dates lined up. I could see it didnt sit well with her when I mentioned I had two more this week. They say honesty is the best policy....but not in this case. A girl likes to feel special and knowing that you are schmoozing other local ladies isn't the way to do that.

I have another date tomorrow so will keep you posted.....

My First Internet Date

2009-06-14T16:23:00.000+01:00

I am about to embark on internet dating life in London after a year long relationship with a girl who makes Lady Gaga and Phil Spector look relatively normal. At 33, ultimately I'm looking to find "the one", but life experience tells me along the way I'll be finding more than that.
I will be sharing with you the dates, my thoughts and hopefully some helpful tips on potential pitfuls that may await you if you are heading back into the dating game.

A bit about me - as previously stated I'm now heading into my mid thirties, live in South West London and run my own company. In the looks department, I'm no Brad Pitt, but hardly Jack Osbourne. I'd like to think I can be quite charming, but I guess this will now be put to the test. I've got 3 dates lined up this week - if you don't buy a ticket, you won't win the raffle - so my liver and wallet are being prepared to take a hammering.

Tonight my journey begins. The first date credentials - a 32 year old doctor who lives in Kensington. I'm aiming high and from her profile pictures, hoping that her top is low....
I'm not really that shallow, but chemistry is important. All that talk of "He/She can grow on you" is pure nonsense. That first eye contact and how you react is very important. Whether your heart leaps or sinks says alot.

Anyway, I'm meeting her early evening in the Kings rd, so have to get a move on. Check in tomorrow to see how it all went.